Here I am, possibly facing my 4th miscarriage.
I am just over 6 weeks pregnant and although everything was visibly ok on the ultrasound, Baby’s heartbeat was 63 bpm and should have been at least 90. The only thing that will save this little person is a miracle, and that’s what I’m pleading with God for. I’m extremely thankful for the hundreds of prayers that have been lifted up on our behalf by our family and friends.
Through my other miscarriages, I’ve denied myself many emotions. I wanted to “rise above” the grief. I had set unrealistic expectations, thinking that if I was constantly happy and smiling, even when I was grieved, then I was doing the right thing as a Christian. Wow, I had missed the point of Christianity completely! Being a Christian doesn’t mean that you’ll be happy 24/7. It means that when you hit rock bottom and can’t pick yourself back up, you look to the only One who can pick you up.
This time, I’m setting realistic expectations. I’m allowing myself to feel, and I’m going to be honest about it. I’m accepting the fact that I can’t rise above it. Not alone, anyway. Only with God’s grace and His strength will I get through this. (2 Corinthians 12:9-10) I’m accepting my humanity and giving myself permission to feel, guilt free.
I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m confused. I’m scared. I’m broken.
There was a huge part of me that thought if I let myself feel those things, it was like telling God, “I don’t trust you”. It’s taken this situation to make me realize that those feelings and trusting God can co-exist. And that’s where I am right now. I’m choosing to trust Him in my anger. Trust Him in my sadness. Trust Him in my fear. Trust Him in my confusion. It hurts, and I hate what I’m going through right now, but I TRUST HIM.
My mom, knowing my conflict with emotion, sent me this excerpt from Peter Scazzero’s Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, and it was eye-opening and healing. I hope it offers you encouragement too.
To feel is to be human. To minimize or deny what we feel is a distortion of what it means to be image bearers of our personal God. To the degree that we are unable to express our emotions, we remain impaired in our ability to love God, others, and ourselves well. Yet, as we saw in the previous chapter, our feelings are also a component of what it means to be made in the image of God. To cut them out of our spirituality is to slice off a part of our humanity.
Sadly, some of our Christian beliefs and expectations today have, as Thomas Merton wrote, ‘merely deadened our humanity, instead of setting it free to develop richly, in all its capacities, under the influence of grace.
So FEEL, friends. Embrace being who God made you to be- HUMAN. But don’t feel without having hope. Know that God’s Word trumps our feelings. His Truth is timeless and applies to every situation. Here’s what we know, despite what we feel:
I feel alone.
I will never leave you or forsake you. Deut. 31:6, Heb. 13:5I am with you always, to the very end of the age. Matt. 28:20
Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
Psalms 139: 7-10
I feel scared and worried.
Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God and I will strengthen you, surely I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10
Peace I leave with you. My peace I give to you; not as the world gives, do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful. John 14:27
Those who wait for the LORD Will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary. Isaiah 40:31
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4:6
I feel confused.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6
For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11
I feel broken.
The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalms 34:19
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalms 147:3